Dear Students
by Bellamort500
Summary: Dumbledore sends his students a letter at three in the morning.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

The students of Hogwarts were sleeping soundly until their dorm rooms were invaded with owl hooting and carrying letters.

It was three o'clock in the morning and the students figured an owl delivery at that must mean the letters were important.

So all across Hogwarts students opened their letter to see Dumbledore's hand writing.

**Dear Students,**

**I was unable to sleep and thought it was the perfect time to jot down some rules for you.**

**I was going to wait until a reasonable hour to send this letter, but then I thought I might as well wake you all up as I'm awake.**

**1. Professor Snape is to be addressed as Sir, Professor or Professor Snape.**

**He is not to be addressed as Sevvie, Dracula or Count Pink Pickles.**

**I thought the name Count Pink Pickles suited him, but Professor Snape didn't agree and got rather annoyed when the Weasley twins started calling him it.**

**2. You cannot sue a Professor because you were given detention.**

**I saw the damage that was done to the Hufflepuff common room and that detention was deserved.**

**3. Homework is to be signed using your real names.**

**It is not to be signed,**

**"Vampire Fish".**

**"Your future Dark Lord" **

**"The wizard of Oz" **

**"Hi, I hate moths".**

**4. Not allowed to charm the Great Hall ceiling to rain milkshake.**

**It was amusing the first day, but after a month it was just annoying.**

**5. The Weasley twins are forbidden to have a dragon.**

**I don't care how small it is or how cute it is, no dragon.**

**6. Not allowed to shriek every time Filch enters the Great Hall.**

**Having hundreds of students shrieking at the same time makes my head want to explode and then reform to explode again.**

**7. You are all forbidden from sending boxes of dragon dung to Lucius Malfoy.**

**I know who sent those boxes and I want you to stop or I'm writing to your mother.**

**I've let you get away with it up until now as Lucius Malfoy did give your sister Voldemort's childhood diary.**

**8. Stop sending Professor McGonagall tins of tuna immediately.**

**Professor McGonagall now owns three thousand tins of tuna that she doesn't want or need.**

**9. Running out of orange juice is not a good enough reason to start mass panic.**

**I was shocked and a little impressed at the amount panic caused over orange juice.**

**Although I think it was more to do with the screams of "We're all going to die" that was the main cause of panic and hysteria.**

**10. Breaking into Professor Snape's private quarters and stealing his clothes, so you can dress up as his mini me is forbidden and also disturbing.**

**Seeing all of Gryffindor dressed up as Professor Snape is enough to send anyone over the edge.**

**11. Not allowed to insist that Zombies are going to attack unless hot tubs are installed in every classroom.**

**I'm not ever going to get hot tub installed in any of the classrooms.**

**12."I wanted to" is not a good enough excuse for breaking Mister Malfoy's nose.**

**I understand at times Mister Malfoy is an annoying little twerp, but breaking his nose was a bit uncalled for.**

**13. Not allowed to suggest to any Professor that they can "Shove their detention where the sun doesn't shine" **

**Frankly that was rather rude given the student in question had just blown up part of the girls bathroom.**

**14. Not allowed to charm puppets to attack students that you dislike. **

**Those puppets are freaky and ought to be burnt in the fires of hell or at least on a bonfire.**

**15. Not allowed to start a rumor about Professor Snape being Mister Malfoy's real father.**

**The boy looks nothing like Severus however, he does act and looks like Lockhart, Blond and arrogant.**

**Well, I'm of to get a glass of warm milk and then I'm of to bed.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

Author Note: I might continue this, but that depens on how many reviews I get.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

The students of Hogwarts from first year to seventh waited three weeks for another late night letter from Dumbledore with no results.

Then when they'd given up on another letter, the owls arrived in flocks dropped the letters on each and every student's bed.

**Dear Students, **

**First off I'd like to say well done for following the rules in my previous letter and as a reward I am giving each house Fifty points.**

**Now as I said you've followed my previous rules, but somehow managed to create new ones.**

**16. Not allowed to give the Weasley twins ideas.**

**The twins have enough ideas of their own to cause trouble, they don't need help from anybody else.**

**17. Not allowed to leave class to go on a treasure hunt.**

**If you want to go on a treasure hunt do it on your own time.**

**18. No matter how many of you sign a petition Peeves will not be made a Professor.**

**I like Peeves I do, but he is not responsible enough to be a Professor.**

**19. It is inappropriate to tell the D.A.D.A Professor "The odds of you dying at the end of the year are high".**

**I find it difficult enough getting a Professor for D.A.D.A without you lot trying to scare Professors away.**

**20. Not allowed to blow up the potions classroom.**

**20a. Not allowed to tell Professor Snape to go to his "happy place" when he finds out you blew up his classroom.**

**21. Not allowed to tell Professor Trelawney you foresaw her death when haven't.**

**That was a very horrible thing to do to Sybil.**

**Although I don't know why she believed that all the bubble gum in the world was going to form into a dinosaur and eat her.**

**22. "No, you can't" is not to be taken as a challenge.**

**I have lost count at the amount stupidity I've seen because someone uttered those words.**

**23. Every student is forbidden from sending the Minster of Magic pictures of cheese.**

**I don't know why you've become obsessed with sending pictures of cheese to the Minster and I don't want to know. **

**24. The Golden Trio and the Weasley twins are forbidden from uttering the words "Green squirrels ate the popcorn" in front of Professor Flitwick.**

**For some reason Professor Flitwick goes pale every time those words are uttered.**

**I was going to ask why?, but then I thought it is probably something disturbing that will haunt me forever.**

**25. The Forbidden Forrest is not the place to hold a sleep over which is why you are not allowed to.**

**There are things in the Forrest that could kill you in half a second.**

**26. There has never been a student at Hogwarts called "Happy Fish Purple Monkey Ghost" and the constant instance that there was is beginning to become annoying.**

**I have checked the school records and records at the ministry.**

**There is no record of anyone in wizarding Great Britain person called "Happy Fish Purple Monkey Ghost".**

**27. Not allowed to use the excuse " I didn't do my homework because I was eating pizza with the Giant Squid".**

**I know for a fact the Giant Squid dislikes pizza.**

**28. Not allowed to redecorate any part of Hogwarts especially if it involves using tomatoes and eggs.**

**It took forever even with magic to get the Ravenclaw common room clean.**

**29. When a sign says "Do not enter under pain of death" it means you shouldn't enter that place.**

**It was lucky that Six headed bear had just eaten or the Weasley twins and Mister Jordan would've become a meal.**

**30. Not allowed to fill the Quidditch pitch with Jelly and Ice cream. **

**It must of cost a fortune to get that much Jelly and Ice Cream. **

**I looked forward to writing my next letter.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore **

A massive thank-you to those who reviewed the previous chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

It didn't matter what house the students were in they all waited eagerly for the next letter from Dumbledore.

Some students just wanted to see the wacky things they had done made into a rule and other students just enjoyed reading the rules with their friends.

Which is why when the letter arrived the students read instead of sleeping.

**Dear students, **

**Before I get on to the rules I want to take this time to congratulate Fred and George Weasley for breaking the record for getting the most detentions in a month.**

**31. Turning up to potions naked will result in detention and a letter home to your parents.**

**I worry about the sanity of my students.**

**32. Screaming during potions will not create world peace and claiming that will, just gets house points taken.**

**It amazes me it took two hundred points taken from Ravenclaw before the student backed down.**

**33. No lesson at Hogwarts requires any student or Professor to sacrifice a goat.**

**I don't know who has been telling first years this, but it stops now.**

**34. Not allowed to have a poker tournament during Charms.**

**34a. Not allowed to have a poker tournament during any lesson.**

**All poker tournaments are to be held every other Thursday in the Great Hall.**

**35. "I love peanut butter sandwiches" is not the correct response when asked "What are you doing with that axe?" **

**35a. No student is allowed to have an axe whether they love peanut butter sandwiches or not.**

**36. Miss Granger is not allowed to threaten to punch Mister Malfoy, so hard his ancestors will feel it.**

**I know Mister Malfoy annoys some of you, but violence is not the answer.**

**37. Professor McGonagall is to be addressed as Professor McGonagall or Professor.**

**Not Minnie, Kitty, Super Ninja Kitty or McGonagall the awesome.**

**This doesn't come from me, but from Professor McGonagall.**

**38. No student is to question my sanity in front of the ministry or the press, but are allowed to among themselves.**

**I am not crazy. I am slightly eccentric.**

**39. The Weasley twins are forbidden from giving relationship advice to anyone.**

**This comes from the request of several female students who'd prefer it if you didn't give their boyfriends advice. **

**40. No student is allowed to reenact anything they saw in a film.**

**Especially if that film is Silence of the lambs.**

**41. Harry Potter does not have the power to smite anybody and if he did he wouldn't be allowed to use that power to smite other students.**

**It'd be kind of cool if Mister Potter did have that power.**

**42. Traumatizing first years is not accepted as a hobby. **

**42a. Stalking Professor Snape is also not accepted as a hobby. **

**I suggest taking up painting or playing a sport as an appropriate hobby. **

**43. Writing "Professor McGonagall is the best head of house" outside Professor Snape's classroom in big red letters is not considered art.**

**Professor McGonagall was touched by the that gesture, but Professor Snape wasn't and neither was Filch when he spent hours cleaning it off.**

**44. No student is to put these following people as their greatest influences in life, **

**Lord Voldemort.**

**Bellatrix Lestrange.**

**The Weasley twins.**

**The Marauders.**

**Trust me it looks bad when you apply for a job.**

**45. Not allowed to write to the ministry calling them a bunch of morons who couldn't pick their nose without Lucius Malfoy's permission.**

**I agree with the statement, but that doesn't make it okay to say even if it is true.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

AN: 51 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model. Also working another chapte right now.

The students were now taking bets on which house could get the most rules on the list.

It took two weeks before another letter arrived showing which house had won.

The letters arrived earlier than previous three letters and students were sure it was probably down to Professor McGonagall who wasn't happy about having students half asleep in her lessons.

**Dear Students, **

**I am amazed at how many new rules I've written since my previous letter also a little impressed at the imagination many have shown in the things they've done.**

**46. Professor Snape does not want or need a hug and demands students stop immediately.**

**I've been saying for years he needs more hugs, but Severus doesn't agree at all.**

**47. Neville Longbottom is not allowed to assist the Weasley twins in creating a plant that will eat Slytherins.**

**47a. The Weasley twins are not allowed to create a plant that will eat Slytherins.**

**47b. No student is allowed to create a plant to eat anyone.**

**48. Not allowed to claim non-stop that Hogwarts is going to be attacked by, **

**Zombies.**

**Daleks**

**Weeping Angels.**

**Goa' uld.**

**Replicators.**

**All this talk Hogwarts being attacked is being the younger students uncomfortable.**

**49. Not allowed to write to Bellatrix Lestrange and Lord Voldemort suggesting they should get together.**

**Writing to the darkest wizard and witch the wizarding world has ever known is foolish.**

**50. Never get into a eating contest with a Weasley.**

**That's not a rule, but friendly advice.**

**51. "All students are forbidden to join the Weasley twins' group 'The Ministry Of Magic Are Morons League'**

**I am afraid I do not see the point of this group, and if the Minister of Magic were to find out about it he would be sure to think I'd created it, and then he would suspend me, which wouldn't be very good, would it!"**

**52. Not allowed to ask Hagrid for a piggy back.**

**This comes from me, not Hagrid.**

**53. "I was bored" is not a good enough excuse for chasing first years around with the sword of Gryffindor.**

**53a. Not allowed to break into my office to steal the sword of Gryffindor.**

**54. Not allowed to owl members of staff about your love life.**

**As your headmaster there are things I just don't want to know about my students and their love lives is one of them.**

**55. Not allowed to start screaming for no reason.**

**It is really unnerving when you're sitting eating and somebody starts screaming as if they're about to be murdered.**

**56. Professor Snape is not Merlin and it is wrong to tell first years he is.**

**Severus is powerful, but no where near as powerful as Merlin was.**

**57. Not allowed to claim you are the love child of Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort.**

**The thought of those to reproducing is terrifying.**

**58. The Weasley twins cannot cancel any orders given to you by a professor.**

**It stuns me that any student thought they could.**

**59. Not allowed to rename Halloween let's try an kill Harry Potter day.**

**Mister Potter thought it may encourage people to try and kill him even more.**

**60. Not allowed to leave potions to go join the Cult of the Rubber Duck.**

**60a. The Weasley twins are not allowed to start a cult called the Rubber Duck or any other cult for that matter.**

**This comes directly from your parents.**

**61. Hogwarts wouldn't be better if you were allowed to get drunk.**

**Which is why alcohol is forbidden to students.**

**62. The Weasley twins are not to be given caffeine shots ever again.**

**Those two are hyped up enough as it is.**

**63. Dragons will not help bring the four houses together.**

**It is good that students have begun to think of ways to bring the houses together.**

**64. Clothing is not optional.**

**I'd thought those howlers would've made the twins stop walking around naked, but obviously not.**

**65. If something looks dangerous it probably is.**

**66. Not allowed to send birthday cards to Death Eaters unless you're related to a Death Eater.**

**I don't why half of Hufflepuff sent Lucius Malfoy a birthday card and honestly I don't want to know.**

**67. Telling Professor McGonagall "Peeves told me to" will not get you out of trouble for biting her.**

**67a. Not allowed to bite Professor McGonagall.**

**Only animals and toddlers bite, Not children eleven to seventeen.**

**68. Not allowed to blow things up for the hell of it.**

**69. "I was having a staring contest with an owl" is not a reason for missing Potions.**

**Potions is an important class and unless you have a great reason you must turn up to class.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

A massive Thank-you to my readers and Reviewers.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Hary Potter.

The students of Hogwarts all gathered in their common rooms the moment hundreds of owls were spotted flying above Hogwarts with the just see able in their clutches.

**Dear** **Students**,

**Haven't you all been busy being annoying and causing mayhem lately.**

**70. Anything Fred and George think is a good idea will probably result in detention.**

**Actually everything the twins think is good enough will result in detention.**

**71. Not allowed to ask Professor Snape to, **

**"Sing you a lullaby" **

**"Buy you a pony" **

**"To hug you because you had nightmare about fish" **

**Severus demand I make these rules.**

**72. Harry Potter is not allowed to put Lord Voldemort down as his emergency contact.**

**72a. No student is to put Lord Voldemort down as their emergency contact.**

**I don't know why anybody would want Voldemort** **as an emergency contact.**

**73. There is no bring a Muggle to Hogwarts day.**

**74. Not allowed to leave class early because you have to feed your pet crocodile.**

**74a. Not allowed to have a pet crocodile.**

**I don't even know how a student was able to get a full grown crocodile in Hogwarts without gaining someones attention.**

**75. Not allowed to write to the ministry requesting you be made a God.**

**76. You cannot break into any professor's room to leave them a gift of dragon dung. **

**I had five members of staff coming to me moaning about the smell because of a certain group of students' gift.**

**77. Stop Planning my funeral immediately.**

**I'm not dead yet and I hope I'm not for along time.**

**78. Ron Weasley did not invent fire and he must stop claiming he did.**

**79. You cannot tell first years that at the end of the year the student with the lowest grade is sacrificed to the Giant Squid.**

**I really wish the older students were kinder to the younger students.**

**80. Not allowed to threaten to burn down the library to get Hermione Granger or the Ravenclaws to do what you want.**

**If anybody burns down the library they're expelled.**

**81. Not allowed to write the Weasleys or the Malfoys telling them that Draco and Ginny are getting married.**

**I had to listen to Molly Weasley shouting for three hours.**

**82. You cannot leave class to buy a hat.**

**82a. You cannot leave class because you left the cooker on in your dorm room.**

**82b. Not allowed to have a cooker in your dorm room.**

**82c. You cannot leave class because you find it boring and you want to help the Weasley twins break into my office.**

**Just stop leaving class without a good reason.**

**83. Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall are not secretly in love, and want students to stop saying they are.**

**Your imagination disturbs me at times.**

**84. Professor Sprout doesn't want to buy a puppy that can breath fire through its nose.**

**84a. There is no such thing as a puppy or dog that can breath fire through its nose.**

**85. "I love you" is not the correct response when caught trying to smuggle a Rhino into Hogwarts.**

**I don't know where Lee Jordan got that Rhino.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore**

**A massive Thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

The students were once again gathered together to read their letters from the headmaster.

Each snorting at remembering how different rules came to exist.

**Dear students, **

**I'm thinking of dyeing my beard and would like to know your thoughts on the matter.**

**86. Not allowed to skip detention because you found out that five hundred years ago a member of your family married a Malfoy.**

**It was five hundred years ago get over it.**

**87. Slapping someone with a fish will result in detention even if it is because you were defending my honor.**

**Don't get me wrong I was touched by the gesture, but I can't let students strike other students with a fish.**

**88. History of Magic is not the place to discuss who'd win in a fight, the Giant squid or Voldemort.**

**I don't know who'd win, but it'd be funny to watch.**

**89. Professor Snape demands students stop setting him up on blind dates.**

**I think he was fine with it until somebody set him up with a troll.**

**90. No student is to whine for a chocolate muffin in detention.**

**You're in detention to be punished not to eat chocolate muffins.**

**91. Offering me lemon drops will not make forget that you tried to kidnap Fawkes.**

**Phoenix's make awesome pets.**

**92. The following excuses are no longer accepted as to why you don't have your homework, **

**"A dragon ate it".**

**"I gave my homework to and she is refusing to return it".**

**"Professor Snape stole it" **

**"I have handed it in, but it is invisible which is why you can't see it".**

**"I used my homework to destroy Zombies".**

**"I didn't do my homework because I was buying a scarecrow" **

**"Hermione wouldn't do my homework for me" **

**"I was going to it, but my brother was kidnapped by a troll and I had to rescue him" **

**"My socks stole it and ran of my shoes".**

**"I burnt it in the name of world peace".**

**Just do your homework.**

**93. Not allowed to start sobbing in the middle of potions because you just remembered you've lost a sock.**

**Sob over your missing sock in your own time.**

**94. Professor McGonagall does not want you to leave potions to kill a spider.**

**Minerva is more than able to kill a spider herself.**

**95. No student is allowed to send the Dursleys threatening letters.**

**I know the Dursleys are gits, but I have a good reason for leaving Harry in their care.**

**96. Not allowed to get T-shirts printed up saying Let's go kick Voldemort's butt.**

**97. No student is allowed to act surprised that they have been given detention when they're caught breaking into Professor Sprouts private quarters to steal a quill.**

**I am certain that most of my students are insane.**

**98. No student is to start an essay with the title "A flying sausage vs Ninja mashed potatoes.**

**99. Not allowed to moan about that fact I won't let you have a dragon.**

**It is really annoying.**

**100. Building a fort in the Great Hall will not help destroy Voldemort.**

**If it did I would've built one ages ago.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN : 101 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model.. Also thank-you to my readers and Reviewers.

Dumbledore had once again sent letters to his students and the new letter was slightly longer than previous letters, but the students didn't mind.

**Dear Students, **

**Before I get into the rules I'd like to thank the Golden Trio for their gift. **

**They got me a puppy, I've named him Bob.**

**101. Professor McGonagall is adamant that you stop trying to set her up with Mrs Norris.**

**For one thing, Mrs Norris is a cat (and being an Animagus does not make Minerva a cat, half cat or anything to do with cats). For another, she strongly dislikes Mrs Norris (but don't tell Mr Filch.)**

**102. Screaming "I want my mummy" is not the correct response when asked "Why is your hair blue?, Mister Weasley".**

**Professor McGonagall never did find out why his hair was blue.**

**103. Madam Pomfrey does not torture her patients and it is wrong to say she does.**

**Poppy was really upset when she heard that certain students were saying she tortures her patients.**

**104. I have never been to the moon, but if I do go I will inform the Weasley twins.**

**I didn't want to put this as a rule, but the twins bugged me non-stop until I gave in and said I would make it a rule.**

**105. Not allowed to juggle lemons during potions.**

**105a. Not allowed to juggle anything during potions.**

**105b. Not allowed to juggle lemons or anything else in lessons.**

**You can however juggle lemons or other non dangerous things in your time.**

**106. The board of governors won't give permission for a casino to be opened up at Hogwarts.**

**I tried, I really did, but it was a flat out no.**

**107. The Wizarding has not been invaded by aliens and no student is to send letters to members of the public saying it has.**

**This comes from the ministry.**

**108. The World won't end if Professor Snape doesn't buy you a pony.**

**Yes, I am certain of this.**

**109. Harry Potter doesn't want to hug Draco Malfoy and nobody is to force him to.**

**110. No student is to bug Professor Snape until he cracks.**

**Leave Severus alone for a while.**

**111. Getting me a puppy will make forgive you for breaking into my private quarters and stealing my socks.**

**What can say puppies are cute.**

**112. No student is allowed to say they saw Lucius Malfoy doing Death Eater things when they haven't.**

**If you do see him do death eater stuff such as killing people and losing a fight against teenagers contact me immediately.**

**113. I cannot shoot lasers out of my eyes.**

**I wish I was able to.**

**114. Not allowed to fix a Qudditch match.**

**I don't care how much money you've bet on Hufflepuff winning.**

**115. The Forbidden Forrest does not have a theme park hidden in it.**

**It was wrong to tell first years that it has.**

**116. Professor Snape likes the Batman pajamas he was sent, So the jokes on you.**

**Yep, what was meant to annoy has brought joy.**

**117. "A goat broke in and flooded the great hall" is not the most logical explanation as to how the great hall got flooded.**

**118. Professor McGonagall does not appreciate being woken up at five in the morning because you wanted to tell her about your broken toe nail.**

**Minerva is not a morning person.**

**119. Throwing Professor Flitwick a birthday party was nice thing to do, but it isn't his birthday for six months.**

**120. Running screaming "Snape wants to kill me and then eat the flesh from my bones" will result in detention.**

**Severus is not a homicidal cannibal.**

**121. Nobody is to ask why I'm wearing a hat made out of fruit.**

**Mind your own business.**

**122. Luna Lovegood is not allowed to write to Mad Eye Moody telling him about Nargles.**

**I'm sorry Miss Lovegood, but Alistair is paranoid enough.**

**123. Fred Weasley is not George Weasleys lawyer.**

**123a. George Weasley is not Fred Weasleys Lawyer.**

**124. These following excuses are no longer accepted as to why you wrote to Voldemort,**

**"I wanted to tell him about my day" **

**"Because I was lonely" **

**"I thought if I befriended Voldemort he might be less psychotic" **

**"I was possessed by the ghost of his mother" **

**"I needed advice on my love life" **

**"Professor McGonagall is in love with him and I wanted to get them together" **

**Just stop writing to Voldemort.**

**125. I don't need or want an army of flying monkeys. **

**I do however need a new hat. **

**126. Nobody is telling their parents about the furniture trying to eat them. **

**It was a one time freak occurrence and will never happen again.**

**127. Unicorns are not ponies and you are not to call them ponies.**

**128. The Weasley twins are forbidden from eating anything with sugar in before bedtime.**

**This comes from your dorm mates.**

**129. Going to class is not optional.**

**No, it shouldn't be.**

**130. Not allowed to send howlers to Bellatrix Lestrange because you were bored.**

**You shouldn't be sending Bellatrix Lestrange howlers even when you're not bored.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 134, 135, 136, 137 belongs to HallowRain8587. Also thank-you to my readers and Reviewers.

When the students of Hogwarts went into their dorm rooms for bed they found their letter from Dumbledore waiting for them on their pillows.

**Dear Students, **

**I shouldn't be impressed at the amour trouble you cause, but I am.**

**131. Please stop writing to your parents telling them I am dead and my dying words were "I wish I'd eaten more candy".**

**My dying words are going to be "Tell Voldemort, he sucks".**

**132. Professor Sprout is to be addressed as Professor or Professor Sprout.**

**She is not to be a addressed as, "Brussels", "Sprout the Troll Slayer" or "Professor Plant Lady.**

**133. Voldemort is not in love with me or Harry Potter. **

**I suggest that student who said he was start seeking professional help immediately.**

**134. Alternate spring break is supposed to be a learning experience, therefore learning how to fix the odds at ANY gambling house is not an option.**

**135. The literature aspects of Playboy is not an appropriate topic for a History of Magic theme.**

**It is not appropriate for any class.**

**136. Dying the Black Lake green for St. Patrick's Day is not an option. **

**Because then it would no longer be the Black Lake.**

**137. Freaky Friday was a movie, it is not a school holiday.**

**138. Not allowed to hide Mundungus Fletcher stolen goods at Hogwarts.**

**No matter how much he begs.**

**139. The ministry is full of incompetent morons, but you are not owl the ministry everyday telling them this.**

**I didn't want to put this, but the minister insisted.**

**140. Hermione Granger wants the Weasley twins to stop pestering her to build a time machine.**

**141. Not allowed to give a statement to the press without my permission.**

**Especially if the statement is this,**

**"Hogwarts is under attack by three eyed aliens, but that doesn't matter because Voldemort owns a purple hat.**

**"Thank-you and Bye-Bye".**

**142. When a psychiatrist is sent to Hogwarts after somebody made a stupid statement to the press, you are not to drive them insane.**

**Even if Professor Snape encourages you to.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 143, 144, 145, belongs to 03hermione1992. Also a massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

The students were sent the next letter while they were eating breakfast.

Some also got letters and gifts from their families, but those gifts and letters were sidelined until they had read the letter from the headmaster.

**Dear Students, **

**I just got new glasses and the frames are blue.**

**143. Not allowed to fill Filch's office with pudding.**

**Pudding is for eating.**

**144. Not allowed to tell people that Snape is an alien plotting to take over the world.**

**145. Not allowed to tell people that the Minister has the IQ of a blast-ended skrewt (even if it is true.)**

**That's mainly because it is insulting to blast-ended skrewts.**

**146. I will not provide students with a false alibi.**

**If going to destroy Minerva's classroom get a friend to provide you with an alibi.**

**147. The Ministry has not been taken over by the Goa'uld.**

**147a. Voldemort is not Apophis and Death Eaters are not Jaffa.**

**148. The Sorting Hat is to not to be used to freak out the Dursleys.**

**No matter how much wants the Sorting Hat wants to.**

**149. No student to write to Narcissa Malfoy suggesting she should divorce Lucius Malfoy because she can do better.**

**She can do better, but that doesn't mean you should point it out.**

**150. Not allowed to charm objects to insult Professor Snape.**

**Even if the object is a cuddly Teddy bear.**

**151. You are all forbidden from roller skating naked through Hogwarts.**

**Hogwarts is not a nudist colony and students are to wear clothes.**

**152. Imaginary friends cannot take responsibility for your actions.**

**152a. Sock puppets cannot take responsibility for your actions.**

**152b. Voldemort can take responsibility for your actions, but only on the third Thursday of every month.**

**153. Running out of bacon doesn't mean we're going to have to resort to cannibalism.**

**I've said before and I'll say it again, I worry about the sanity of my students.**

**154. Not allowed to wake the whole castle up at three in the morning claiming the house elves want to eat your brains.**

**I am the only person who is allowed to wake everyone up at three in the morning.**

**155. Not allowed to leave the school grounds to go party with goblins.**

**Unless I am invited of course.**

**156. You cannot ride a skateboard down the stairs.**

**Three students have ended up with broken arms because they thought it'd be cool to skateboard down the stairs.**

**157. Not allowed to fill the Gryffindor common or any other common room with whipped cream and feathers.**

**158. Not allowed to help Peeves cause mayhem.**

**158a. Peeves is not allowed to help you cause mayhem.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 159, 160, 161, 162 belongs to HallowRain8587. Also thank-you to my Readers and Reviewers.

The students received another letter two days after their letters at breakfast and once again the arrival of the letter was at a completely different time.

**Dear Students, **

**I think sunsets are beautiful, but I hate sunrises and I don't know why I'm telling you this.**

**159. The quiddich pitch cannot be turned into an ice skating rink.**

**We still play quiddich in the winter.**

**160. The professors are not zombies.**

**There are mornings when they need an extra cup of extra strong tea, but the caffeine will kick in and they will become functional. The zombies are insulted when compared to professors.**

**161. Voldemort is not to be referred to as the "Mean Green Dancing Machine". **

**He does not dance.**

**162. Please stop calling all red haired students Arthur Weasley's love children.**

**There are currently only Fred, George, Ron and Ginny attending and Charlie, Bill and Percy have graduated. Molly is not amused by such insinuations and Arthur is tired of sleeping in the broom shed.**

**163. Not allowed to pour yogurt over Professor Flitwick and claim you only did it to save him from a herd of Elephants.**

**164. Fred, George and Ron Weasley are not allowed to hurt any boy that looks at their sister.**

**Ginny says she can handle herself and if you three don't stop she's telling your mother.**

**165. Nobody is to ask what universe I live in.**

**Because I'm not sure that I know.**

**166. Not allowed to get into an argument with a brick wall.**

**Even if you do get more sense out of the wall then from everyone else around you.**

**167. Talking to yourself and then cackling insanely leads to others looking at you oddly.**

**168. I and everyone else at Hogwarts want the Weasley twins to stop calling everyone "Dave".**

**It is so, annoying.**

**169. Harry Potter is to stop obsessing over cheese.**

**Don't get me wrong I like cheese, but I'm not obsessed with it.**

**170. Not allowed to get into a tug of war with Fang over a bread roll.**

**I don't not what say, I really don't.**

**171. Voldemort is not a poor misunderstood man who wants his mother.**

**Voldemort is a power hungry nut job who probably would've been just as psycho if his mother had of lived.**

**The woman dosed a man up with love potion to get him to marry her, that doesn't scream sanity to me.**

**172. Just because somebody woke you up before noon on the weekend doesn't mean you're allowed to scream, so loud you almost burst half Hogwarts eardrums.**

**Seriously that student could terrify Voldemort with that scream.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 173, 174, belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model. 179, 180, 181, belongs to SkyeElf. 186, 187, 188, 189,190191 belongs to Lolerator. Also a massive Thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**I had a chocolate muffin and tuna sandwich for lunch.**

**173. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - is allowed to dress up as the following people or creatures:- **

**Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange, another Death Eater, Dolores Umbridge, Nagini, a Dementor or an Acromantula.**

**174. Friday 13th is not "Give Snape A Hug Day."**

**Professor Snape appreciates it, but would rather you didn't, as he is a teacher, and he feels it is innapropriate for a teacher and pupil to make such an intimate gesture towards each other. **

**He also says that he is not "in need of cheering up." He is not grumpy and sour, he just takes the world a lot more seriously than the average person**

**175. You cannot make yourself headmaster/headmistress.**

**175a. You cannot make your sock headmaster.**

**176. Not allowed to call any Professor or student a "Troll snogging, vomit brain".**

**One because it is insulting and two it sounds really stupid.**

**177. First years do not want to dress up as Oompa-Loompas and you are not allowed to force them.**

**I am sure I've spoken to you more than once over treating first years badly.**

**178. Not allowed to send Voldemort the number of a psychiatrist that can help him. **

**Because he doesn't want to get help so it is a complete waste of time.**

**179. Professor Flitwick is not an elf nor does he give away candy canes.**

**Also, I was under the assumption that we'd already settled this: I am not Santa!.**

**180. Miss Granger's cat is not an alien from space and Mr Weasley should stop trying to fling him back to the stars.**

**This is not a challenge.**

**181. Luna Lovegood is not the love child of Lucius Malfoy and you should stop insisting that she should 'let her father hear about this!'. **

**Luna is a lovely girl, there is no way Lucius Malfoy is her father.**

**182. Not allowed to hand in a potion essay that has just the word "Cat" written five hundred times.**

**I don't know a cat has to do with the properties of a sleeping draught.**

**183. You are all forbidden from reading fanfiction out loud.**

**I am still having nightmares.**

**184. Prefects are not power hungry future dark lords and you are not allowed to hit them in the face with a pillow.**

**You are not allowed to hit anybody with anything.**

**185. Professor Sprout is not going to house to collect your teddy bear no matter how much you whine.**

**185a. Not allowed to shriek in someones ear because Professor Sprout refused to collect your teddy bear.**

**186. No one is allowed to scream "THE EVIL RAINBOW UNITATOES ARE ATTACKING!"**

**Mainly because unitatoes do not exist. (By the way, a unitato is a potato with a unicorn horn XD)**

**187. No one is allowed to wear sparkly dresses in Potions. Or any class, for that matter. **

**Professor Snape wishes me to tell Ron Weasley that he is mentally scared for life.**

**188. No one is to capture Mrs Norris to force Mr Filch to dance "Gangnam Style" in the Great Hall. Or capture Mrs Norris for any reason, although seeing Filch in a Lycra suit was funny. **

**189. No one is allowed to charm Draco Malfoy's hair red and gold.**

**Because he will just go whining to daddy if you do.**

**190. There is no such thing as a "wear your pyjamas to school" day at Hogwarts.**

**Although, I am considering it.**

**191. No one is to play or sing the song in "Nyan Cat". As catchy as it is, the professors (Professor McGonagall in particular) happen to dislike it. **

**192. I am not leaving all my possessions to the Weasley twins when I die.**

**I really want people to stop going on about me dying.**

**193. Not allowed to leave school grounds to break into Malfoy to steal all the Malfoys spoons.**

**I was going to ask why anybody would want all the Malfoys spoons, but then I thought it was better for sanity not to bother.**

**194. Breaking into Professor Snape's quarters and stealing his bed will result in detention.**

**Even if you did plan to return once you had sown garlic into the mattress.**

**195. Chocolate sauce cannot destroy me so stop pouring it on me.**

**196. Not allowed to sing during detention.**

**196a. Not allowed to scream for your mum during detention.**

**196b. You cannot set fire to things to get out of detention.**

**196c. Not allowed to refuse to go to detention because you want to eat a sandwich.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 202&203 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model. 204&204a. Belongs to Bob. The idea for 208&208a belongs to Here's7to6never5growing4up.

Also a massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear students,**

**Bright purple robes with pineapples on really look great on me.**

**197. Not allowed to do anything that will require staff and students alike to need therapy for the rest of their lives.**

**I serious about this rule being obeyed.**

**198. When somebody says "Pass the salt, please?" they mean pass the salt, Not launch yourself across the table and scream at them.**

**199. Poking people with spoons is not funny.**

**Especially when you continually do it for two hours.**

**200. Stop writing to Voldemort suggesting ways he can kill me and Harry Potter.**

**200a. Just stop writing to Voldemort.**

**Especially if it is just to tell him about cheese.**

**201. Harry Potter is not allowed to threaten to join Voldemort because I wouldn't buy everyone at Hogwarts a pony.**

**201a. Draco Malfoy is not allowed to threaten to join my side because Voldemort won't let him have a unicorn.**

**Nobody is to switch sides until they are certain which side is going to win.**

**202. Nobody is to kidnap Fang and threaten to hold him hostage until Hagrid agrees to dye his hair pink, wear a leotard and dance ballet in the middle of the Great Hall.**

**Although it was amusing, it really was quite cruel, and Professors McGonagall, Snape,Flitwick and Sprout inform me that they are now scarred for life by this incident.**

**203. Professor Flitwick is not the love child of a Borrower and a Hobbit.**

**He is deeply offended by your insinuations,and would also like to point out that he is also not the love child of Tinkerbell, a dwarf, an Oompa Loompa, a Munchkin, one of Santa's elves or a pixie by the way, he's part-goblin. Just so you know.**

**204. You are not allowed to send Molly Weasley howlers. She doesn't appreciate them.**

**204a. You cannot use the excuse that you were giving her a taste of her own medicine.**

**205. Nobody wants to know why Professor Snape is now afraid of crayons.**

**Even if they do the Weasley twins are not allowed to tell anybody.**

**206. Nobody is to write home to their parents begging them to come and take them home as everybody at Hogwarts is insane and you fear for your safety.**

**Not everyone is insane.**

**207. Hermione Granger is to stop sending very dark and disturbing threatening letters to Peter Pettigrew.**

**This is an order, not a request.**

**208. The Weasley twins are to stop going around in Dalek costumes and saying "EXTERMINATE! "EXTERMINATE!.**

**It was amusing at first, but now it is just annoying.**

**208a. Hermione Granger is to stop wearing a Weeping Angel costume and is to remove the Life sized toy Tardis from the Great Hall.**

**I do admire the effort that was put into making the costumes and the Tardis, but I can't have students running amok.**

**209. No student is allowed to stand on a table and start shouting "Kill the Zombies", then sit down and act as if they didn't do anything.**

**210. Stop having fundraiser for things that Hogwarts doesn't need.**

**Things such as, **

**A new roof.**

**Jet skis**

**Ponies.**

**Gambling funds.**

**Axes to kill zombies with.**

**Just stop having fundraisers.**

**211. Professor Snape is not secretly in love with Voldemort and he will hex the next person who says that he is.**

**You have been warned.**

**212. I am not helping anybody to break into the ministry to steal the Minster of Magic's pet goldfish.**

**Fudge doesn't have a pet goldfish.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 216, 217&218 belongs to HallowRain8587. 219 belongs to carrie76. 223, 224, 225&226 belongs to Here's7to6never5growing4up.**Also a massive thank-you to my reviewers.**

**Dear students, **

**I have long suspected that many of you are crazy, but I am now certain many of you completely with doubt crazy.**

**213. Professor Snape will not brew a poisonous potion to help you get rid of Umbridge once and for all.**

**I'm going to take that request as a joke.**

**214. Hermione Granger is not to make a list of poisons that cannot be traced nor, is she to send the list to other students.**

**215. Students cannot refuse to eat, wash or go to class, because they are protesting against the idiots at the ministry.**

**You've made your point, but I would appreciate it if the protesting stopped now.**

**216. Professor McGonagall is not in love with Jamie Fraiser.**

**Jamie Frasier is married to Claire and those characters belong to Diana Gabaldon.**

**217. Professor McGonagall is not old enough to have helped Bonnie Prince Charlie over the sea to Skye.**

**Just stop those rumors about the Jacobite Rebellion. I am not even that old.**

**218. O levels in Charms does not necesserily mean you are charming.**

**Just because his mother was a Prince and he got an O in Charms doesn't make Professor Snape Prince Charming. Although he is mildly amused by the thought involved here, he is not available to kiss sleeping Princesses.**

**219. No student is to break into the kitchens and steal all colanders from the House Elves to protect themselves from spaghetti monsters.**

**The House Elves are attached to their cooking essentials and it upsets them when you take things they need to cook dinner with.**

**220. There is no such thing as a demonic pineapple.**

**200a. You cannot create a demonic pineapple.**

**221. Killing Umbridge probably would bring the four houses together, but you are not allowed to kill, hurt or send her detailed letters on ways you'd like to see her perish.**

**Sorry, but I don't want to see any of you go to Azkaban over Umbridge.**

**222. The following excuses are not accepted as to why you didn't turn up to class,**

**You hate Umbridge and would rather eat your own feet then go to her lesson.**

**Your parents sent you a detailed letter of your conception and you were to traumatized to attend class.**

**You were getting pizza.**

**You just couldn't be bothered.**

**223. Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger are not allowed to dress up as Toph and Katara from Avatar the last airbender. **

**It would have been okay if you hadn't tried to drown the Slytherins in a giant swimming pool.**

**224. The Weasley twins are to stop giving Hermione books that will make her cry.**

**I'm sorry, but do you remember Allegiant. The Great Hall still isn't fully repaired.**

**225. Harry Potter is to stop dressing up as the tenth doctor then start flirting with girls.**

**This is for your protection Harry. One of those girls might kidnap you and never let you go.**

**226. Hermione Granger is to stop crying about the ninth doctor, Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, the tenth doctor, River Song, Amy Pond, and Rory Williams. **

**If it helps, I can recommend a therapist.**

**227. There is no "Wear underpants on your head day".**

**No, I am not creating one either.**

**228. No student is to fill the Great Hall up with toads.**

**Even if it is meant as a gesture to make Umbridge to feel more at home.**

**229. Not allowed to attempt to bribe me with cookies.**

**I do not take bribes.**

**Sincrely Albus Dumbledore **


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 234, 235, 236 & 237 belongs to angelinatheangel. 241& 242 belongs to 03hermione1992. Also a massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**I am drinking a hot chocolate with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.**

**230. Hogwarts is not overrun with mutant rats that want to eat the flesh from your bones and you are to stop telling first years that there is.**

**If there ever is a time that Hogwarts becomes overrun with mutant rats then you can tell everybody about it.**

**231. Voldemort wants me to tell you to stop writing and asking him to kill Umbridge.**

**He sent me a very long and insulting letter.**

**233. Cockroaches and spiders are not a appropriate gift to send the Ministry of Magic.**

**234. Not allowed to put "having candle light dinner with Gorgons" as Facebook status.**

** allowed to have candle light dinners with Gorgons.**

**234b. Not allowed to have candle light dinners with any dangerous creature.**

**I'm worried how did you logged on to Facebook inside Hogwarts.**

**235. Not allowed to smuggle Playboy magazines inside the school.**

**236. Not allowed to tell the first years that there are Pokémon in Forbidden Island.**

**Pokémon don't exist at all.**

**237. "Let my daddy hear this" is not a good response to a detention and Draco Malfoy must stop that immediately. **

**Threatening the staff may result in expulsion.**

**238. Not allowed to throw a temper tantrum because I won't let you eat nothing, but candy.**

**238a. Not allowed to throw a temper tantrum at all.**

**Toddlers throw tantrums.**

**239. Professor Snape doesn't want a Teddy Bear that looks a lot like Harry Potter.**

**Just don't give Severus anything that resembles Harry Potter.**

**240. Stop handing out leaflets about Aliens invading through the toilet.**

**If aliens invaded I am pretty sure it wouldn't be through the toilet.**

**241. You are not allowed to tell Harry Potter that Voldemort has teamed up with Sauron and is in possession of the One Ring. **

**Harry didn't go to class for 3 days because he was terrified that Sauron's eye would spot him.**

**242. You are not allowed to tell Harry Potter that the house elves are planning to poison his food.**

**He didn't eat for 2 days.**

**Just stop telling Harry Potter that are going to happen to him. He's afraid enough as it is.**

**243. Peeves is not to be given a water gun or a paint gun.**

**Stop giving Peeves things.**

**244. No matter how much you dislike somebody you cannot attempt to strike them with an "Invisible rubber chicken".**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not Harry Potter.

AN: 250 belongs to ajkent14z. 251, 252& 253 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model. Also a massive thank-you to my readers & Reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**If I have to listen to Umbridge's annoying giggling one more time I think I'll go insane and eat my hat.**

**245. Not allowed to fling jelly at students or members of staff and then claim it is all the name of world peace.**

**I am glad you want world peace, but I don't know how flinging jelly at others is going to achieve it.**

**246. Pumpkins are not plotting to take over the world using Ninja apples.**

**247. You cannot keep throwing things at Umbridge when her back is turned.**

**No, that doesn't mean you can throw things at Umbridge when her isn't turned.**

**248. You are forbidden from breaking into the kitchen and putting laxatives in anyone's food.**

**249. You cannot skip class to hold because you were having lunch with the Mad Hatter, Jack the Ripper and a life form that evolved from your toenail.**

**You'll have to go to lunch with the Mad Hatter, Jack the Ripper and the life form evolved from your toenail on the weekend.**

**250. "Stop telling Harry Potter that he got his mother's eyes. **

**He has heard this infinitely many times and it's not a new discovery anymore."**

**251. Whoever dyed my beard pink while i was sleeping is in DEEP TROUBLE.**

**Although I have to admit it went very nicely with my Valentine's Day outfit.**

**252. Would the person who force-fed all the first years some potion of their own making just before the holidays which made the first years' teeth and hair fall out and boils erupt all over their *ahem* private parts, please come to my office on Thursday.**

**I am getting rather tired of recieving Howlers from the first years' parents. I think I may ask Severus for something to cure my earache...**

**253. Dolores Umbridge recently told me that a certain pair of wrongdoers had sent her a package containing two fat toads that had been turned pink and had pink ribbons tied aroun their necks. The package was labelled "Dear Toady, we found your long-lost relatives, love from The Awesome Pranking Duo."**

**My heartiest congratulations, boys...I mean, er, that was very wrong of you, Weasleys, very wrong indeed...although I do agree Umbridge is rather toad-like,,,**

**254. There is no "Hex a Slytherin Day".**

**No, I will not make it a day either.**

**255. Telling Professor Snape that you only broke into his private quarters to steal his hats, will not get you out of trouble. **

**256. You are not allowed to charm things to spit out glitter every time Umbridge speaks.**

**The woman never shuts up and Hogwarts is covered with glitter, yesterday I found in glitter in my cup tea.**

**257. You cannot charge students to use the bathroom and you will back the students you've taken money from.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 261 & 262 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model. 265 & 266 belong to ArtemisFowlIsAmazing. 268, 269 & 270 belong to Here's7to6never5growing4up. Also a massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**I am beginning to think that Fudge has it in for me and that Voldemort doesn't like me, this is just vibe I've been getting lately.**

**258. No one to ask Mister Potter why he has a bag full elastic bands, whipped cream and a ninja outfit.**

**The answer will traumatize you for life.**

**259. Not allowed to make the house elves perform "It's a hard knock life" in the Great Hall.**

**259a. Not allowed to blackmail Harry Potter into joining the house elves to sing "It's a hard knock life".**

**260. Not allowed to send copies of these rules to your parents, to the press or to Voldemort to prove that the students of Hogwarts are more insane than his Death Eaters.**

**Just stop sending the rules to others, okay.**

**261. You are not allowed to use Mrs Norris as a Bludger.**

**That's just cruelty to animals, and whoever decided to do it is very fortunate they haven't been expelled...yet.**

**262. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being turned into a ferret and bounced around the Great Hall like the fake Moody did.**

**I'm watching you, Fred and George...**

**263. Students are not allowed to sulk because I won't let them blow up Hogwarts.**

**264. Not allowed to steal all of the pillows from Hogwarts and then send them to Bellatrix Lestrange.**

**264a. When asked why you sent Bellatrix Lestrange a lot of pillows you are not to say, "I was bored and it seemed a good idea at the time".**

**I swear I've talked to you all about sending things to Bellatrix before.**

**265. You are not allowed to 'ship' any of the staff members together.**

**265a. Or any of the students together.**

**Anyone in general.**

**Harry and Draco did not appreciate whoever ran around yelling, "Drarry!" in the Great Hall yesterday.**

**266. Students, or staff members, are not allowed to spoil any of Ms. Granger's books for her.**

**I have enough complaints as it is...**

**267. No student is to sneak into my personal quarters, hide in my bedroom closet and wait until I am asleep then jump out and shout "BOO".**

**You're lucky I didn't hex you in my half asleep state.**

**268. Will all muggle-borns when you see any Ravenclaws because you think they are Erudite.**

**269. Will the Gryffindors stop hijacking the train then jumping off of it because you are trying to show your Dauntless.**

**270. Will all hatstalls and near hatstalls quit bragging about their Divergence. **

**271. Not allowed to stand in the middle of the Great Hall and start screaming "Zombies ate my underpants".**

**Unless Zombies did actually eat your underpants.**

**272. Not allowed to tell first years that at the end of the year one of them is going to have to fight me, to the death. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 282, 282a & 282b belongs Chihori Anigma. 283, 284 & 285 belongs to a massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**If a day went by and one of you weren't sent to my office, I'd think the world was about to come an end.**

**273. Professor Snape is not in love with Bellatrix Lestrange and the next student who says that he is, will be in serious trouble.**

**274. Don't eat or drink anything handed to you by the Weasley twins.**

**Go ask Neville Longbottom what happens when you eat or drink anything from the twins.**

**275. Harry Potter is to stop accusing Professor Sprout of stealing his socks.**

**Professor Sprout has never stolen Harry Potter's socks.**

**276. Not allowed to take a chicken to detention.**

**276a. Not allowed to take a chicken to class.**

**276b. Not allowed to fill up your dorm room with chickens.**

**276c. Not allowed to have a chicken.**

**Your new obsession with taking a chicken everywhere is weird.**

**278. The following things will result in detention, **

**Drawing the Dark Mark on sleeping students arms.**

**Screaming "Die Vampire Pickles" in the middle of charms.**

**Setting fire to your desk.**

**Covering your common room in garlic.**

**Waking Professor McGonagall up at two in the morning, because you wanted advice on what hat to wear.**

**279. No student has the power to expel other students.**

**Even if the student you wanted to expel is super annoying.**

**280. Not allowed to write to Voldemort requesting he makes his Death Eaters sing songs from Phantom of the Opera.**

**I've told you more than once, STOP WRITING TO VOLDEMORT.**

**281. An invisible psycho duck did not fill the Hufflepuff common room with bees.**

**Invisible Psycho ducks do not exist.**

**282. Not allowed to say 'stickely-fickely poo' suddenly in Transfiguraton class.**

**282a. Students are not allowed to say 'stickely-fickely poo' suddenly in any class.**

**282b. Students are not allowed to say random stuff suddenly in any class.**

**If you feel the urge to say something random raise your hand and wait into you are given permission before speaking.**

**283. We will not be resorting in the cause of house unity.**

**You were sorted as first years, you stay where you were sorted.**

**284. We will not change houses according to the first letter of your last name, although if the sorting hat ever wears out we will take into consideration the suggestion of A-F in Hufflepuff, G-M in Slytherin, N-S in Gryffindor, and T-Z in Ravenclaw. **

**Seems as fair as anything.**

**285. Whoever suggested muggle games for game night and brought only 1 Twister, needs to rethink. **

**You need at least 8 Twisters with the number of students here and the teachers also need one.**

**286. Not allowed to make it rain flower petals.**

**I don't care if you were trying to be spontaneous to impress somebody you like.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer : I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: 291&291a belong to Lolerator.

292. Belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model. 295, 296, 297, 298, 299, 300.300a and 301 belong to SkyeElf. 304& 305 belongs to HallowRain8587.

Also a massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**It'd be awesome if you could crossbreed a dragon with giant.**

**287. Not allowed to tell your parents, Umbridge, the press, Voldemort or anybody else that I helped you break into ministry. **

**When I agreed to help certain individuals break into the ministry so, they could flood it with cola, it was under the agreement that nobody knew I helped you.**

**288. Stop breaking into my office and stealing my lemon drops.**

**I know who it is and if you do it again, I'll make you sit in a room with Umbridge for an hour.**

**Imagine an hour of that annoying giggling.**

**289. An android did not break into Hogwarts and draw a moustache on the Fat Lady's portrait. **

**290. You are all forbidden from giving Professor Snape love potion so, he'll marry Umbridge. **

**No matter what Severus has done wrong in the past, he doesn't deserve to be married to Umbridge.**

**291. You are not allowed to send Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort love potions.**

**291a. you are not allowed to send anyone love potions.**

**Although I am curious as to how the supposed greatest dark wizard of all time fell for your trick, thinking about those two being romantic is a disturbing thought.**

**292. "Oopsie-Whoopsie I did a Poopsie" is not a spell, nor are you allowed to turn it into one and use it on your fellow students or on Hogwarts property.**

**It is six weeks since the incident involving the Weasley twins and this spell, and Miss Parkinson and Mr Malfoy are still in the hospital wing (more from trauma than anything else) and Mr Filch is still trying to get rid of all the poo in the dungeons. Not funny, boys.**

**Although, seeing Mr Malfoy covered head to foot in faeces was rather amusing...**

**293. Not allowed to slap someone because they dislike Stargate. **

**293a. Not allowed to slap anyone because they dislike Dr who.**

**293b. Not allowed to anybody for any reason.**

**294. Not allowed to make up a song about Lucius Malfoy.**

**294a. Not allowed to sing the already existing song about Lucius.**

**That song is both, annoying and disturbing.**

**295. Not allowed to set your friends up on a romantic date with Mrs Norris.**

**296. Not allowed to fill the Slytherin common rooms with plush lions or to fill the Gryffindor common rooms with live snakes.**

**You two are STILL fighting off the results of your sister's bat-bogey hex.**

**297. Not allowed to carry your pet owl/rat/cat/toad with you everywhere because they are your soul.**

**298. Not allowed to drag your mattress to the Great Hall and sleep there in fear of missing an exam.**

**Honestly, the position we found you and your cat in was just strange - WHY was he sleeping on your patella?.**

**299. Not allowed to sleep in the Potions class either, the rhino horn and elephant ears should've been lesson enough the first time.**

**300. The Hufflepuff house should stop growing medical marijuana for extra credit. **

**300a. Not allowed to put it in the**

**bread or cookies.**

**301. You should also please go back to wearing your wizarding robes and get rid of those overalls. **

**302. Not allowed to organize a student strike because Professor McGonagall wouldn't sing you a lullaby.**

**I've told you all that the time to strike is next week when the board of governors are here and then you can blame it all Umbridge.**

**303. Not allowed to tell anyone I am encouraging you to go on a student strike and blame it Umbridge. **

**304. Whoever absconded with the teacher's Twister game should return it to the Teacher's Lounge (hint, hint Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione) before the teacher's meeting at 4 and there will be no repercussions.**

**No you cannot play with us-teachers need a break from the students.**

**305. The rumor that copies of the N.E.W.T.s are available on line are untrue. There is no wifi access in Hogwarts and if there were there is no electiricity. **

**You just need to read the books in the library and learn the stuff.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

AN: massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

Also: 313, 314, 314a & 314b belong to guest 11.

**Dear Students, **

**As you know I've been forced out of Hogwarts by Umbridge and Fudge, but that's not going to stop me from writing to you.**

**As I've been informed of your antics from others Professors it means I have lots of new rules for you.**

**306. Never again are any of you to name anything Dumbledore's Army.**

**I so, should've made this rule ages ago.**

**307. Not allow to steal Umbridge's blood quill and write depressing poetry.**

**308. Biting Professor Snape will not give you super powers. **

**It will however lead to Severus hexing you. **

**309. Not allowed to get caught putting poisonous toads in Umbridge office. **

**You can do what you like to Umbridge as long as you don't get caught, previous rules concerning the toad no longer applies. **

**310. Professor McGonagall is not going to ever buy everybody at Hogwarts a pony. **

**This comes directly from Minerva. **

**311. Not allowed to throw fruit at Professor McGonagall and then claim, "A Donkey wearing a dress made you do it".**

**Why would a Donkey want you to throw fruit at Minerva?.**

**312. Stop accusing Professor Sprout of stalking your cat.**

**Because she isn't stalking anybody's cat nor, does she want to.**

**313. No one and I mean no one is allowed to force Voldemort and his followers to watch Pride and Predjeduce. Then, proceed to dress Proffesor Snape up as .**

**314. No one is allowed to put a dialostion charm on Mr. Potter to make him look like Aung from The Last Airbender. **

**314a. No one is allowed to make Draco Malfoy dress up as Zuco from Avatar The Last Airbender.**

**314b. No one is allowed to make anyone dress up as someone from Avatar The Last Airbender.**

**I've had enough complaints as it is.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

AN: A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**The following people can go and suck on a lemon,**

**Umbridge**

**Fudge**

**Voldemort**

**Lucius Malfoy.**

**315. Not allowed to hand in an essay on how clowns creepy instead of the potion essay you were set.**

**Severus wrote to me told me it was two thousand words of drivel.**

**316. Students are not allowed to throw water balloons at members of staff unless it is Umbridge then you can throw as many as you like.**

**In fact I'll send you all some water balloons if you promise to only use them on Umbridge.**

**317. Not allowed to put underwear on your head and pretend your super hero.**

**Especially when you are in the middle of detention.**

**318. Professor Snape does not want to kill The Invisible Pickle People.**

**The Invisible Pickle People do not exist.**

**319. Tinfoil does not protect you from the killing curse and telling the first years it does is wrong.**

**320. Not allowed to say a bunch of random words in the hope of creating a new spell. **

**321. Nobody to ask Harry Potter he feels the need to start screaming at midnight.**

**Because all you'll get is a load of random excuses that will make question if Harry is sane or not.**

**322. Nobody wants to know whether Filch fancy's Umbridge nor, do they want to know whether Umbridge fancy's Filch or not.**

**Gross, just gross.**

**323. Not allowed to kidnap Muggles and give the a guided tour of the wizarding world.**

**324. Not allowed to make a sandwich during potions.**

**Especially if that sandwich consists of twenty slices of bread, three onions, twelve tomatoes, fourteen slices of Ham, chocolate sauce, tomato sauce, lots of lettuce and eight bags of crisps.**

**Why was chocolate sauce added?.**

**325. Telling people you've met that an "Elephant ate your teddy bear" will result in you receiving strange looks. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

AN: 330 belongs to Dragonsrule18. 331 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model.

333, 334, 334a, 334b& 335 belongs to HallowRain8587.

**Dear Students, **

**I found out something interesting today, That Umbridge has this fear of ducks. I tell you all this out the goodness of my heart.**

**Because you never know when the great hall will become full of ducks and Umbridge might need your help.**

**326. You must stop trying to invent Bubble gum that will you breathe fire.**

**Give it up, you're not going to be able to achieve it.**

**327. Not allowed to take out every library book and replace the books with stories you wrote.**

**Especially if the story is titled, "How Lucius Malfoy got a unicorn and Severus Snape ate mouldy cheese.**

**328. Hermione Granger is not allowed to throw a pillow at Harry Potter and Ron Weasley because they both refused to reenact her favorite episodes of Stargates.**

**Especially in the middle of potions.**

**329. Harry Potter is not allowed to date anybody who has bunny boiler tendencies nor is he to enlist Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley or Luna Lovegood help in dumping someone who has bunny boiler tendencies.**

**330. You are not allowed to come to class poly juiced as Professor Snape and have the students making lemon drops for their potions lesson. **

**331. Buzz Lightyear is not about to raise an army of Little Green Men to bring down Hogwarts, and nor is Emperor Zurg.**

**Please stop this obsession with Toy Story. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard "You've Got A Friend In Me," "Woody's Roundup," and "When Somebody Loved Me" being sung, danced to and played. It was sweet at first, but it's getting annoying.**

**332. Not allowed to rename the four houses.**

**The houses have and always been Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin.**

**Never are the houses ever going to be called, " The Heros who going to die", "The Wimps", "The sitting on the fence brigade", "The murdering snake scumbags".**

**333. The Twister game is still missing from the teacher's lounge.**

**Now I need someone to play with while in exile, tweet me-I now have an account.**

**334. Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy are not giving Tango lessons in the Transfiguration Classroom. **

**334a. Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy are not giving Paso Double lessons in the Charms Classroom.**

**334b. Lucius Malfoy does not give private dance lessons to any female students, Narcissa will hex him into next week, then turn her scary sister Bellatrix on the students. Not good.**

**As much as you would like to learn to dance, they aren't much gun as teachers just ask Draco.**

**334c. Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Malfoy are not professors at this school so, neither should be teaching to dance or teaching you anything else.**

**335. Orange is not the new black.**

**Stop sending Professor Snape hunter orange robes, he will not wear them.**

**336. Just because you say you're a Ninja it doesn't make it true.**

**337. Hogwarts has not become overrun with Demonic Frogs that can fart lasers.**

**Stop saying it has.**

**338. Not allowed to tell anybody that informed you all of Umbridge's fear of ducks. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

342 belongs to Chihori Anigma. 245, 346, 346a & 347 belong to Deep Forest Green. 350, 351, 352, 352a & 353 belongs to Lolerator.254 belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model.

A Massive Thank-you to my Readers and Reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**I feel like sharing useless information with you so, here it is I only own odd socks for some reason.**

**339. Not allowed to go on a rant about Twilight destroying the Vampire genre.**

**Even though it did because now Vampires are all sparkly and stupid.**

**340. Becoming the first person to graffiti the moon is not accepted as a career choice. **

**341. Turning the great hall into a giant swimming pool may seem like a good idea at the time, but it really isn't.**

**Just ask Fred and George.**

**342. Unless you are Hermione Granger stop trying to talk to Professor Binns.**

**All you will get is a boring lecture on history.**

**343. Not allowed to force first years to dress up as leprechauns.**

**343a. Not allowed to force anybody to dress up as a leprechaun.**

**344. Harry Potter is to stop writing to Voldemort begging him to say "Harry I am your father" the next time they meet.**

**It is doing things like this is why people think you are insane, Mister Potter.**

**345. Hogwarts is not a free country, so stop saying that every time I give you more rules.**

**Hogwarts is a school, not a country at all.**

**346. Lupin does not appreciate the nicknames Loopy, Looper, or Loop-dee-doo.**

**Nor does he appreciate his lycanthropic episodes being referred to as his "period".**

**I don't care that he no longer works here, he is still to be respected.**

**346a. Nor are you to refer to Order members as Batshit Moody,Nymphomaniac, or Token Black.**

**Just stop nicknaming people.**

**347. ·The rules do not and have never applied to Harry Potter.**

**Might as well admit it, now.**

**Except the rules concerning Voldemort they, so apply**

**348. Professor Flitwick doesn't want to become the prime minster of mash potato land nor is his plotting to destroy mash potato land.**

**There is no such thing as mash potato land.**

**349. The portraits do not appreciate anybody drawing on them.**

**350. You are not allowed to send Umbridge Howlers when she is in the great hall.**

**People's ears are still ringing, Miss Granger.**

**351. The Weasley Twins - nor anyone else, for that matter - are allowed to call themselves the second Marauders. **

**One load of them was quite enough, thank you very much.**

**352. Gryfifndors are to stop setting snakes on Slytherin students.**

**352a. Slytherins, you are to stop setting lions on Gryffindor students.**

**It was all very amusing until Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter were bitten. Mr. Malfoy did indeed inform his father about the situation, and sitting through a whole afternoon of Lucius Malfoy's ranting is not fun, for anyone.**

**353. You are to stop acting out Romeo and Juliet at dinner.**

**Those poor first years are still traumatized at seeing the kissing scene.**

**354. There is no "Dress up as Lord Voldemort Day"**

**Nor should there be one. Honestly, I nearly had a heart attack when I woke up on Sunday with Lee Jordan looming over me in a very convincing Lord Voldemort costume.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and sadly I never will.

359 belongs to Dragonsrule18.

361, 362, 362a, 362b,362c & 363 belongs GreenDrkness.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**I think kangaroos are cute.**

**355. Not allowed to accuse Professor Flitwick of filling his own classroom up with jelly beans when it was you who did it. **

**There was a class full of witnesses, if you are going to lie make sure nobody can disprove it in a matter of seconds.**

**356. Harry Potter is not allowed to encourage other students to fight Voldemort for him.**

**It's your job Harry, so get on with it.**

**357. No-one is to tell Luna Lovegood that Nargles don't exist.**

**How do you know they don't exist?.**

**Just because you can't see them it doesn't mean their not real.**

**358. Not allowed to bring your ferret to the great hall to met Draco Malfoy, nor are you to bring the ferret to classes to met him.**

**Why do you have ferret?.**

**359. Do not steal all of Professor Snape's robes and replace them with a pink ballerina tutu.**

**(Everbody's eyes are still burning!)**

**360. Pouring water over Umbridge won't melt her, but it was a good effort.**

**361. No one is allowed to write Fanfiction about Lord Voldemort and Harry, nor are they allowed to send a copy to Voldemort.**

**Some of your imaginations scare me.**

**362. Not allowed to put itching powder in students or professors underwear.**

**362a. Not allowed to put itching powder in clothes.**

**362b. Not allowed to put itching powder in my beard.**

**362c. Not allowed to put itching powder on anything in general**

**363. Tell Professor Snape he can go and "suck it".**

**He knows why.**

**364. Bowling balls are not to be thrown at the doors.**

**365. Not allowed to build an ice cream mountain in the great hall.**

**What amazes me that Hogwarts had that much ice cream in stock in the first place.**

**366. Not allowed to start a prank war.**

**It only ends badly for everyone.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

**AN: It was going to be longer, but I am currently editing my others to stories to fix the grammar mistakes.**

**Currently I am fixing the prankster challenge, only got to fix 10 more chapters YAY.**


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

370. Belongs to Dragonsrule18.

371, 372, 373, 374 belongs to GreenDrkness.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**Cupcakes are yummy, yummy.**

**367. Not allowed to paint the potions classroom pink and declare it Barbie land.**

**368. Ginny Weasley is not allowed to hex anybody who has a crush on Harry Potter.**

**Nor is she to get Fred and George to prank them.**

**Just accept the fact you're not the only one who fancies Harry.**

**369. Stop telling Professor McGonagall that you miss the old her, the one that use to buy you chocolate frogs and look under your bed for demonic sock puppets.**

**Because Minerva never did those things, ever.**

**370. Not allowed to fill the Great Hall with marbles.**

**371. Not allowed to kidnap all the boys, knock them unconscious and crossdress them.**

**The nightmares won't leave the boys and many refuse to leave the Room of Requirement especially Harry until he finds out what happened to his underwear.**

**372. You cannot copy anime characters and recreate their moves like what ever a kamekameha or a Spirit Bomb is. **

**373. Do not throw a rave in the middle of the night or anytime for that matter.**

**No raves at all, ever.**

**374. Do not kidnap any professor at any period of time for any reason.**

**Why would you want?.**

**375. Not sell experimental potions or nick nacks to students or adults , ahem, Misters Weasleys. **

**376. Throwing a popcorn at Slytherins will not give you super powers and you are to stop saying it will.**

**Also stop throwing popcorn at people.**

**377. Not allowed to talk so fast that nobody can understand a word you are saying.**

**It is annoying.**

**378. Professor Snape is not responsible for the rumor, that Professor McGonagall is in fact a monster in disguise and eats children.**

**Because he isn't responsible and the rumor is completely false.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

379. Belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model.

380. Belongs SkittlePotter!

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**Dear Students, **

**I think it'd be awesome if I could do back flips.**

**379. Professor Snape is not being possessed by evil babies.**

**Professor Snape is too good at Occlumency to be able to be possessed, and babies are too little and cute to be evil.**

**380. No one is to tell first years that on the 9th July it's wear nothing day.**

**Honestly I keep having nightmares!**

**381. Not allowed to do everything I've forbidden you to do in these letter to prove how awesome you are. **

**382. Stop suggesting that potions classroom gets turned into an ice rink, **

**Because it is never going to happen.**

**383. Me and Professor McGonagall are not an item.**

**383a. Voldemort is not our secret love child.**

**Whoever keeps spreading these false rumours please stop.**

**884. Not allowed to break into the Slytherin common room and leave a cardboard cut out of Harry in it.**

**You shouldn't break into the Slytherin common room at all.**

**885. You are all forbidden from writing to the parents of Muggle born students, telling them that their children have joined a cult.**

**When they haven't**

**386. Cauldrons are for brewing potions in, they are not for placing on your head and screaming who turned out the lights. **

**387. The Gryffindor common room is not the place to set fireworks off.**

**388. Quit asking Professor McGonagall if she has ever coughed up a hair ball**

**Because she is never going to tell you.**

**389. Hogwarts is not overrun with garlic breathing three headed chickens.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

**AN: If anybody wants to use these rules in a fic or whatever feel free to do so.**


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

392, 393, 394, 403, 404, 405 belongs to

GreenDrkness.

397& 398 belong to the The Eclectic Bookworm.

399. Belongs to Here's7to6never5growing4up

A Massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**I find how easily you manage to get into trouble amusing.**

**390. You are not required to paint your face red and sing the school song to enter the Gryffindor common room. **

**Those who keep insisting that you do are lying.**

**391. Professor Snape is not having a mid life crisis and he wants you to stop saying he is.**

**392. You are not allowed to try and make the Great Hall into another Forbidden Forest.**

**One is enough.**

**393. Do not dare each other to ride the centuars. **

**394. Not allowed to smuggle a dragon in to Hogwarts as a late birthday for Hagrid.**

**394a. Do not smuggle dragons in general.**

**395. You don't need to shout "Bananas," every fifteen minutes. **

**It is annoying and distracting. **

**396. Just because you've never seen Voldemort and the Easter Bunny in the same room, is not proof that they are the same person. **

**397. Do not try to get a detention just so you can steal all of Professor McGonagall's Ginger Newts.**

**She is very annoyed and hungry.**

**398. Do not try and sell those Ginger Newts in Transfiguration. Honestly, if you want to do it in my office, to me. **

**Minerva never gives me any.**

**399. Will everyone please stop talking in an a fake american accent.**

**400. Lucius Malfoy does not want to hear your theory on why he carries a cane everywhere **

**Nor does anybody else.**

**401. Writing insulting letters to Death Eaters and signing it with your real name was stupid.**

**You should of signed it Umbridge or Voldemort.**

**402. Not allowed to swap Mister Potter's broom for a chicken.**

**Harry is not happy. **

**403. You are not allowed to bring in Muggle transportation devices and charm them to transform into Transformers.**

**404. You are not allowed to bring in Horror Movies.**

**Nor are you to react anything from Horror Movies once you find out Hogwarts doesn't have Electricity which without you are unable to run a TV or DVD player.**

**405. You are not allowed to coerce the ghosts, the portraits, the suits of armour, House Elves, other students or Hogwarts itself to reenact anything from a Horror Movie.**

**The first years still belive the grudge is out to get them.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Dear Students, **

**If I could crossbreed Fawkes with turtle it'd be awesome.**

**406. Harry doesn't want you to start singing about his personal life and you are not allowed to do it. **

**407. Scaring first years because you are bored is not a good excuse. **

**407a. Not allow to scare first years or anybody.**

**Why can't you just be nice to one another.**

**408. Nobody is to ask Ron Weasley why he has black eye. **

**Let's just say he should keep his nose out of Ginny business.**

**409. Not allowed to stick a gigantic portrait of Umbridge on the Great Hall ceiling. **

**Because her face ruins people's appetites**

**410. Professor McGonagall will never let you spray paint smiley faces on her classroom walls. **

**So stop asking.**

**411. I am not the God of all that is bonkers. **

**But I'd like to be.**

**412. Not allowed to offer to screech every word you say for a week. **

**Or ever.**

**413. Stop saying weird and crazy things in front of the journalists. **

**Because it always get printed in the paper and you parents worry about your sanity.**

**sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**


	28. Chapter 28

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

414. Belongs to Dragonsrule18

417. Belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model

to The Eclectic Bookworm

421. Belongs to Guest.

**Dear Students,**

**It sounds egotstical when you claim you're the best thing in the universe.**

**That is just some friendly advice.**

**414. You are not allowed to invite Voldemort to Hogwarts to give a lesson on "How to Become A Dark Lord" on Career Day.**

**415. Not allowed declare that everyone, but you are a moron. **

**Because it is insulting and will make others want to hurt you. **

**416. No-one is to leave school grounds to help Voldemort buy a wig. **

**417. The person who told the first years that every second Sunday of every month you are required to swim the length of the Lake is to come to my office NOW.**

**The hospital wing is full of first years with frostbite, pneumonia, Grindylow scars, etc etc, and Madam Pomfrey can't handle it any longer. **

**First years, you are not required to dwim the lake. Don't believe anything you were told on that subject.**

**418. No one wants to know why you don't like cookies. You know who you are...**

**Don't tell the first years why you don't like cookies. Professor Snape heard that and he is scarred for life.**

**419. You cannot sue any professor because they refused to do your homework for you.**

**Do your own homework.**

**420. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley are not allowed within a hundred yards of Lucius Malfoy.**

**I don't know you did to him, nor do I want to know, but you have to keep away from him.**

**421. Miss Granger is to stop hitting everyone who ask if her and Harry are an iteam with books. **

**Honestly it was a hameless question Miss Granger, now I have a bruise!**

**422. Harry Potter is to stop, getting obsessed over random things. **

**His latest obsession is finger puppets.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore. **


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**423, 424 Belongs to Sakura Lisel**

**427, 428, 429, 430,431, 432, 433, 434 & 435 Belongs to giggles11228**

**439, 440, 441, 442 Belongs to HallowRain8587**

**AN: If I haven't used a rule or suggestion in this chapter or others, it doesn't mean I won't use them, it just means I will use them later.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**

**Dear Students,**

**I was not around when Hogwarts was built, I was not best friends with any of the four founders.**

**I am old, but not that old.**

**423. No hexing, cursing, or slipping potions into the Slytherins food and drink that makes them re-enact Muggle shows and movies, that alter their momentarily alters their personalities to become what they turn into.**

**Especially no doing any of the above while using horror movies and shows as the main theme, like Friday the 13, Nightmare on Elm Street. Nobody wants to go through THAT again EVER, and if the perpetrators are caught they will be finding themselves in detention for the rest of the year.**

**424. No asking me if my hand is cramping when I write down all the new rules for everyone to read, or how I'm able to send out so many at once to everyone in school in one day.**

**The answer is magic.**

**425. Taking a sledge hammer to the walls is not a reasonable response to being told it is impossible to crossbreed a chicken and pig, and will result in detention. **

**Also your parents will have to pay for the damage.**

**426. No Professor is to be addressed as, "Fun killer of the universe,"**

**426a. No prefect is to be addressed as, "The boring brigade," or "The army of mini fun killers,".**

**427. No-one is to fill the great hall with flowers, we are still sweeping up pollen and petals.**

**The students and staff who suffer with Hayfever are not happy.**

**428. No-one is to put plastic wrap on doorways,**

**People are still worried that they will hit an invisible force preventing them from getting into classrooms**

**429. Popping bubble wrap in the library is not cool.**

**People are trying to study you know.**

**430. Mister potter is not allowed to wear his fathers cloak and go around pretending he is a ghost.**

**431. Not allowed host a Fencing tournament in class, in the corridors, in your dorm or common rooms. **

**However you can host a fencing tournament in the Great Hall if you have permission.**

**432. Slip and slides do not belong in the great hall. **

**433. Not allowed to Lord Voldemort hair products. **

**He has no hair, so it is a waste of time and money. **

**434. Not allowed to send Lord Voldemort glasses that make his eyes pop out more than they already do. **

**His eyes are creepy enough. **

**435. Singing if your happy and you know it does not make people happy and you know that **

**436. Hermione Granger is not allowed to team up with the Weasley twins to cause mayhem. **

**These three together are a force to be reckoned with.**

**437. Your parents don't need to know about the time the staff were too hung over to teach. **

**Nor are you to tell them. **

**438. No student is to ask why there is a statue of Voldemort making out with a duck in the Great Hall. **

**Because nobody knows.**

**439. Just because Lucius Malfoy carries a cane everywhere does not mean he is a song-and-dance man looking for a vaudeville show. **

**Malfoys do not do vaudeville. **

**440. Lucius Malfoy is not teaming up with professor Snape to sing a vaudeville version of "Ebony and Ivory". **

**Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder did just fine with it when released in 1982, we do not need a remix.**

**441. Professor Snape does not have a degree from the University of Transylvania.**

**Professor Snape is not nor has he ever been a bat vampire nor related to Vlad the Impaler-he just thinks he can carry off the black billowing robes with aplomb.**

**(Some of the females at Hogwarts agree).**

**442. Hermione is tired of being paired with every male in the Harry Potter universe. **

**Hermione is just a teenage student who wants to set a new record Os of a number of on the N.E.W.T.s (hence the time turner so she can take every class ever offered at Hogwarts) and doesn't have time to be paired with every man and pairing with me was just sick. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore**


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**445 belongs to SilverNimbus223**

**446 & 447 Belongs to TheGirlWhoSawImagination**

**449, 449a& 450 belongs to GreenDrkness**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**

**Dear Students, **

**If a lie is the truth, the truth is a lie and I've gotten completely forgotten where I was going with this.**

**443. Not allowed to disrupt a Quidditch match unless it is an emergency, **

**Being bored does not constitute as an emergency.**

**444. Not allowed to refuse to do your homework on the grounds you feel it is unfair to tomatoes, **

**What tomatoes have to do with anything I don't know nor do I want to know.**

**145. Not allowed to tell the Weasley twins that Mister Malfoy is a good ferret.**

**At first it was quite funny, but Mister Malfoy has complained about being shoved up students jumpers and down their trousers for the fun of it. He is now scarred for life after seeing underneath Professor Snape's cloak.**

**446. No reopening the Chamber of Secrets**

**Mr. Potter says that the Basilisk is in no shape to eat anybody.**

**447. No student is allowed to hex Slytherin randomly in the hallways.**

**It was fun until Madam Pomfrey had about forty Slytherins ranting about the other three houses in the hospital wing.**

**448. Not allowed to cry hysterically for twelve minutes in the Great Hall then claim you didn't and say that everybody was hallucinating. **

**449. You are not allowed to send Voldemort stuffed animals**

**449a Do not recommend Voldemort to hug a Care Bear (it won't make him care).**

**450. Do not tell any Death Eaters to watch My Little Pony actually do tell them I find the show to be relaxing and show great lessons on friendship. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	31. Chapter 31

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

451. Belongs to IceQueenSwag

453. belongs to Lolerator

455. Belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model

457. Belongs to TheGirlWhoSawImagination

459, 460, 461 and 462 belong to Mabushii Mikazuki

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Students, **

**If I'd chosen my own first name I would've chosen something different like Leaf or Twirl. **

**451. Not allowed to try to send Miss Granger into the past because you think she could change Voldemort.**

**You really need to stop reading FanFiction Mister Potter.**

**452. Not allowed to confuse Crabbe and Goyle.**

**453. The Death Eaters will never be happy, no matter how letters you send to them saying that they should be positive and to smile more often.**

**Let's face it, that will only happen in our wildest dreams (or, rather, our worst nightmares. I mean, Bellatrix Lestrange wearing rainbow coloured robes? That is just downright scary).**

**454. I did not give you permission to go into Professor McGonagall's private quarters, rearrange her furniture hide her clothes and write "I love chocolate" on the wall in giant letters.**

**The reason I didn't give you permission is because you are not allowed to do it.**

**455. Voldemort is not Darth Vader's twin brother.**

**There are a thousand reasons why they cannot possibly be related,**

** Vader is entirely fictional.**

**2. Voldemort's mother only had one child (Voldemort himself). **

**3. there is no physical similarity whatsoever. **

**4. Darth Vader lives in the future. **

**5. They have different surnames. **

**I would write down the 995 other reasons, but I can't be bothered.**

**456. Not allowed to say random words in the hope it result in a spell.**

**457. Not allowed to tell Miss Lovegood about new 'creatures' she hasn't heard of.**

**She has stated she knows you're lying, and that your head is full of nargles.**

**458. My beard does not posse the power to destroy ants and cockroaches.**

**I don't know why the twins make these things up.**

**459. No Peep Wars on the grounds.**

**While delicious it left a big mess for Flich and the elves to clean up. Neither were happy. I still have some in my beard.**

**(Peep Wars are when you line the microwave with paper towels, place two peeps inside, each one with a tooth pick jutting from their mouth. First one to explode looses. I think an engrogio would work well to substitute for a microwave).**

**460. No charming, hexing, cursing, or any other sort of magical tampering is to be done to the Sorting Hat so he will resort everyone into different houses.**

**While amusing it left him confused for weeks and he is still not right. Not to mention it was quite nerve racking for the Heads of Houses.**

**461. No unscheduled field trips to America claiming to be a History of Magic trip to Salem. **

**Especially when you wind up in Disney Land. I know for a fact that Professor Binns would never bother to change his ciriculum now when he hasn't since... Ever...**

**462. "No setting up the Giant Squid with the Loch Ness Monster. **

**I happen to know that Nessie is in happy long distance relationship with a Canadian native named Champ. However, I heard Issie of Japan recently broke up with the Oklahoma Octopus...**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore. **


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